Friday, January 17, 2014

Overwhelmed

So I'm sitting at my desk today. Staring at the things I HAVE to get done over the four day weekend.
  • Grade, set up online class for week
  • Finish reading grad school stuff (two books, ten articles) for class starting next week
  • Get tax stuff together so it's ready to file as soon as I get forms
  • Finish prepping class I'm teaching this semester
It's not a huge list, but it's a chunk of time.
And I'm still procrastinating about all of it. Some of it may be because I'm not concerned about NOT getting it done. But as I stare at my desk, and the mindless TV on in the background, I think I'm procrastinating because other things are leaving me feeling a little overwhelmed.

I woke up this morning to an alert from my bank that I had a zero balance. I was pretty sure this was a mistake, because I'm brutal about balancing my checkbook. But nope, not a mistake. So I logged into the online account to figure things out. And saw my savings accounts. Which led me to the other overwhelm factor today. The house in NC isn't really showing. Only two people have been by. No downstairs renter means every month it doesn't sell is $1200 out of pocket. Money that won't be replaced. Money that comes out of the long term savings (otherwise known as the job market, support between PhD and job money). How many months until I'm seriously screwed?

Being by yourself has some serious advantages- I only have to worry about Nehi and myself. My time is my own. But it also means that when things become overwhelming, there's really nobody to help shoulder some of the crap. It ends up with me just staring at my desk.

I realize that there's nothing I can do about the house. Finding sellers, getting approval for a new mortgage, finding Dad a new place, getting him moved, it's all out of my hands. So logic dictates that worrying about it, or letting myself be overwhelmed by it all is pointless. I'm still worried though.

And part of me feels guilty. Because this has all happened because I quit my job and decided to get my PhD. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret doing it, I love what I'm doing. But I was counting on a long term renter to cover the mortgage in NC. Not on them not paying me, and breaking the lease three months in. So now there is all this other stuff. Stuff I have no control over, that severely affect my future plans.

I don't say any of this to invite you to a pity party. It's just, there are lots of ways that being single is difficult. Being on your own can be hard. Going through grad school with only yourself for support is hard.

So I've balanced my checkbook. I've reasserted order over chaos. I've picked out my highlighters to annotate the books I have to read. I've made a list of tax items to pull together. As for the rest, I guess I'll walk in the sun with Nehi, and try not to let my brain scramble from the stress of it all.