Sunday, February 17, 2013

Ennui (updated)

I am not a patient person. I seem genetically wired to not be able to wait. This may perhaps be why I keep myself so busy, if there's no downtime, if there's always something to fill the time, then time passes more quickly, and you don't feel like you're waiting for anything.
I teach full time at a high school.
I teach two full classes online.
I adjunct at the local community college.
I write reviews steadily for two different journals.
I am a staff writer for
I have written papers for, and presented at, two conferences in the past year, and am gearing up for a third, this time a national.
I wrote a book chapter last week.

And yet ennui is the best definition of what I'm feeling these days.

Perhaps it's because my jaw surgery recovery is nothing but a waiting game. Wait to be able to eat. Wait to have feeling back. Wait for the pain to subside. Wait, wait, wait. Let me tell you what life is like in between all the waiting:
  • I can eat at meal times only, because I have four rubber bands that are super tiny (read tight), that I have to have on at all times. No snacking. No, gosh I'm still hungry. Nothing. Lunch and Dinner. That's it. I balance how much I want to eat over how big a pain in the ass it will be.
  • It takes me over an hour to eat practically nothing. And I'm hungry all the time. I don't stop eating because I'm full, I stop because my mouth hurts too bad to keep going. This time frame is also proving problematic at work, as I get under 30 minutes to eat.
  • I can't feel my face still, so I look like a four year old when eating. Which is fine if you don't mind sitting in a room by yourself to eat every meal for three months.
  • Because I can't feel my face much, and because of the rubber bands, I also talk like an idiot. And I'm a teacher. All I do all day (and most nights) is talk. To people of an age that snicker and make fun of people who talk funny.
  • And I can't eat much. I dream of the day when I can eat anything I like, any time I like. That day can't come soon enough.
Perhaps it's because I was sick all this past week, and I got fussed at at work for not working as hard as I should have.
  • And here's the problem with that- when you work three jobs, and get sick, it is impossible to call in sick to all of them. I called in sick to one and was able to shift another to this week/online. Emailed the boss of another and then got dinged on my review for not working.
  • I desperately wish I could call in sick and just be sick. Not worry about answering email, or texts, or phone calls. Just lay in bed, unable to move and be sick.
Perhaps it's because deadlines are starting to loom, and March could either bring great things, or the need to stab myself in the eye.

I'm tired. I'm tired of working so hard, and having to squeeze time in for things I like. I'm tired of so much of my time being sucked away by dumb shit. I'm tired of there being too little that I enjoy. I'm actually just physically tired.
I'm just tired.

Now all that being said, time does pass quickly when you're overscheduled and burning the candle at both ends. According to my calendar, we're on the downward slope of the school year (72 school days and counting). I'll blink and it will be Spring Break, and then I'll blink and it will be the end of the year.

I have much to be grateful for- this has been an amazing year. But when your life is full of so many hills and valleys, the darkness in the valleys makes it hard to keep climbing.

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